Achilles

It's time that I discuss one of my weaknesses. I've talked about a lot of things on this blog so far, but here is something that is relatively unknown to most of my friends, it's one of my crippling weaknesses; Dinosaur Hunting.

I have never been able to really explain why I enjoy hunting prehistoric creatures so much, all I really know is that when a cold-blooded and supposedly extinct threat looms I become pretty gung-ho about the whole ordeal. I remember when I was really young I absolutely loved building dinosaur models, however as I grew I found it was my destiny to destroy those dinosaur models and anything that resembled them. I went to see Jurassic Park while it was in theaters, I think I must have been ten or so at the time. I was pretty pissed off at many of the characters though because I didn't think they managed to slay near high enough a quantity of dinosaurs. My obsession grew with age and I distinctly remember back when the Turok games were popular I was not seen for an entire summer. That's the thing with games that have respawning enemies, your work is never done.

I love killing dinosaurs.

A couple of years ago there was some stuff on the news about how there might be prehistoric creatures lurking beneath the sea. I dropped out of high school and learned to scuba dive the day after I saw the first news cast. I had purchased several guns for the excursion and was most disappointed when I found out that most of them would be largely ineffective underwater. I instead purchased a harpoon gun for my undersea bounty hunt, and it was at that store that I first met Kenneth. Kenneth did not share my passion for the wholesale genocide of raging lizard creatures, but he did enjoy diving and the murder of sea creatures in general. We had our differences, since I detest the murder of sea creatures, all creatures in general really¹. But regardless of this we became fast friends and allies on the quest.

Finally the day arrived when we would go after the beast, we dove as far as we physically could, but it was obviously not deep enough, there was no way the creature would come to a shallow enough depth, unless of course there was sufficient bait. We had some chum and such with us, but all this did was attract sharks, most of which we were forced to kill. Even with the fresh shark corpses in the water though the beast would not be stirred, with alarm I realized that we would soon run out of air and be forced to return to the surface. My natural dinosaur hunting instincts kicked in and I realized what I had to do, I shot Kenneth in the chest with my harpoon gun. I then grabbed his air tank and let his body sit in the organ-laden soup of water that had been created by our carnage.

Finally the beast came from the depths, it swallowed Kenneth's body whole, for that I was thankful since it definitely cleared up a lot of problems I would likely have had with the authorities later had his body reached the surface. After devouring my friend it turned it's attention to me, I shot, reloaded and shot again until I was out of harpoons. Still the beast came. The harpoons protruded from its body as mere splinters. It became rapidly obvious that I would not be able to defeat the beast, but by this point I was in a frenzy, so I attacked.

I rushed at the beast with an adrenaline driven ferocity the like of which I would not know again for another 2 years. My intent was to use my minor martial arts experience to somehow subdue it. To be honest I don't think this was my intent at all, I don't think I was even possessed of intentions at this stage. Regardless I rushed, it rushed and the distance between us was closed. It open it's great maw and swallowed me whole.

As the dinosaur's mouth closed I knew I was finished, I would be crushed. An odd thing happened though, instead of being crushed the beast simply swallowed me whole. I won't get into the details but 2 days later I passed alive and well out the creature's ass and back into the sea. Before you ask how I breathed, I survived largely on the air tanks left behind by all the divers it had eaten before me.

Anyway, I returned to the surface and made my way home. I explained the situation to my uncle and he told me what my problem was. On land or at sea projectile weapons will only get you so far, and that is largely limited by the ammunition you carry. That day my uncle entrusted me with a prize possession of his, a Kabar Combat Knife, normally issued to marines, now issued to a fool of a boy with a dinosaur hunting obsession.

Since that day I've trained long and hard with that knife and it's the only weapon I ever use. My obsession remains and when I see animatronic lizards on the television my roommates often have to restrain me, but one day, when the dinosaur menace looms once more, I will be ready.

This post is dedicated to the memory of Kenneth Barclay IV. May he rest peacefully.

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¹It's probably important to point out that I do not consider Dinosaurs to be living creatures but rather assume that they are abominations of nature and perversions of the natural order.