Prostitution

I've had a couple of good friends in my life. In fact I've actually had several. An important thing to note about my friends however is that they do not get along, if I were to draw out a web diagram of my friends and lines color coded for degrees of friendliness and hatred towards one another I believe I would find myself in the center of a rather hostile graphic representation. There are a couple of individuals who are exemplary of this, managing to be hated by the majority of figures in my life. One of these is someone who has been a very good friend of mine for a long time.

My friend's name is James and he is considered by many to be an asshole. It strikes me as odd that this is the derogatory term applied to him, since it is a term frequently applied to me by a number of people who seem to like me a great deal.

Once while sitting around one night James and I were talking and discussing the things we are readily willing to admit and the things we are not. We each came across the fact that we will fully confess our weaknesses to our friends, to acquaintances, to anyone at all really. In elucidating upon fears, doubts, and weakness one is better able to actually confront these things. It's not that it makes us anymore better equipped to dispell these fears or dismiss weaknesses, but what it does demonstrate is the fact that we are conscious of ourselves, that we understand ourselves to a degree and that we are not afraid of embracing our weakness as a part of our personalities.

After discussing this for a while we each came to admit that when it comes down to it we each are far more reluctant to admit the things that comprise our strengths. One the one hand of this argument there is the case that in admitting your strengths you are in truth exposing your greatest weakness. By telling others where your strength really lies there is no mystery to your action, and that is always a dangerous thing. After talking on this a little more we came to a silence and then told each other what our strengths were. They were of course surprisingly similar, and another interesting fact is that neither of us really enjoy what we are good at.
I wrote on this topic a while ago with my atrocious rant post-math test. I am good at math, and I don't like it, I don't like posessing a calculating or deductive mind. This was one of the similarities between James and I, the other strength was something which I personally hated, but which he enjoyed more. We each described variant talents in detail, but what we discovered it all boiled down to was a simple duo. Lies and general deception.

Knowing when to lie, how to lie, what people want to hear, all this manipulation bullshit. James and I each admitted that it's what we're good at. I can't think of a time when I've really been honest about who I am. I think this is true of most people, everyone has different faces they show. I think this becomes part of our justification though, knowing that others create facades we allow ourselves the privilege to always take it one step further. There's something key about human nature there, the old saying "you give an inch and they'll take a mile" isn't really true, but you can be damn sure that people will take 2 inches minimum. It's a simple case of precedent.

Regardless, I've taken my mile. I've seen a lot of people mislike James, far fewer within my friends mislike me, after all, they wouldn't be my friends otherwise. But this seems a moot point anyway. I wrote earlier on the diea of being chameleons and that we can choose to be whatever we wish, what I did not express at that stage and what I have been thinking of lately is the flipside to this. I thought about how anyone should be able to be what they want, and I know for a fact that this is true for me. Months ago someone expressed an admiration for me, they said that they felt I was too good for them because I could "be whatever I want." I thought they were retarded to be honest. I still think they were and are in truth.

We can each be whatever we wish, but that's only because we are so resistant and so fearful of what we are. I have always had a fear of commitment, any kind of commitment. Right up until the action I can be all for it though, but once it presents itself in truth I'm terrified. I find that in dating I'm most attracted to the unattainable. I find it very difficult to be attracted to a girl who is attracted to me, I find no interest in pursuing that which can be easily caught. It seems stupid, but really to step back and think about it, it makes perfect sense. Throughout life a man or woman will search for who they are, we will all try to find the things which define us, some of us will find it in an occupation, others in bringing ourselves as close to danger as possible, some will try everything and keep trying everything, others still will write lengthy essays in the first person. Some people will find a job, identify with it, settle down, live content. I've never seen myself doing that, perhaps it's just my current drive, but regardless it's a fact.

My current drive leads me to believe that each time I come close to understanding myself I will inherently react by altering myself in some way. Anytime an option presents itself which could possibly close off other possibilities I will react to it with fear and move on. It is for this reason that I can still be whatever I want, I believe the problem becomes that when you can conceivably have everything you can realistically have nothing. In short, by keep these options open I am destined to have a very interesting, but shallow and largely meaningless existence. I haven't decided yet if that will be fullfilling or not, but since it's the road I'm on, I kinda assume it is what I want.

Cutting the bullshit away I find that is there is one thing I am it is an actor. I play my part in the various goings on, I do what I can, and I have the pleasure of often writing my own roles. I've met few other people who are like me in this respect, or perhaps I've met many, but only a few have slipped their costumes so that I could identify with them. I can honestly say, I hate every single one of them.

:-)

At some point I should elucidate on how I go about notions of hatred and anger, because in truth though I say I hate these people, I also love them. I have a similar relationship with anger. But this is all for another day. Have a good night everybody.