Unintelligible Mess

So to forewarn anyone before they read this, this post is probably going to be compeltely assinine. I'm so angry right now and all I can think to do is stream of consciousness this, I'll go back later and add in pictures though to make it more bearable.

So I just got out of math class, and I fucking hate math class. I hate mathematics in general, I mean, it goes beyond normal hatred, I really dislike what it stands for a lot of the time, the whole idea of making a set of rules for the universe, trying to control shit, just avoiding admitting our feear of the unknown and never being quite satisfied. That's why i stopped pursuing math, and that's why I hate math majors, assholes. I'm joking, I don't really hate them, my friend Crhsi is one and though I haven't seen him in close to 2 years, I trust he's not a complete ass. I hate English majors too though, douchbags, the lot of them. I love language and havea huge passion for it, but english majors, many piss me off, the way they'll use intricate terminology to attempt to make points, when if they just spoke in common language they could often make what they're stating more clear, but of course if what they stated was clear then everyone would see that they're just full of shit.
Like everyone.
But anyway, that's not what this is about, this is about how good I am at Math and how much I hate that and how much that represents SOOOOO much of what I hate about myself. I also dislike it when people capitalize so and extend it, unless it's done in a humorous fashion. But I'll be damned if I'm gonna go back and deloete that now. Crap, this is going tpo be so full of typos by the end, but that's alright, because in all honesty I love typos, I can think of few things as simple that bring me such joy. But yeah anyway, I just got out of math, it was the first math test of the year and I went without a calculator, knowing full well that we were expected to have one and specifically one which can do scientific functions. Anyway the test turned out to be on calculations of payments plans using compound interest, which is of course pretty easy, but without a calculator becomes difficult. The formula looks something like this:

A= PMT[(1+{APR/n}^ny)-1] / (APR/N)

The thing is all the payment times and payment periods were huge, meanwhile dealing with tiny and precise APR values, so I ended up with things like 1.082 ^ 163 WOW, greta, what the fuck. Also, this turned out to be the whole test, like 15 questions of mind numbing bullshit. I ended up having to do all these long ass calculations to the point where the scratchwork on my paper looked like THIS meanwhile my interior thought processes looked like THIS and my general demeanor rapidly deteriorated to something like THIS. So yeah, I'm fucking pissed.
On top of this I keep getting calls all day from my roommate and landlord about my rent, I had a check sitting on my desk, but when the landlord decided to randomly come around nobody was gonna be home besides Blair, so I end up getting a call from him and another from Andy so I have to go home and collect all the checks, not that they're all there. Fucking 15 minutes extra walkingh in the most frigid weather imginable. I swear to god if this keeps up I will not be leaving my bed for the netx couple of weeks. That's a lie, I'm enjoying classes too much.
The thing I fucking hate about this is that I'm not even remotely mad at anyone for the rent check thing, it's not my landlord's fault and it's not Andy's fault, it's nobodies fucking fault, and it's not even that big of a deal, and then that made me mad enough that the math test and subsequent afterthoughts became the straw that broke the camel's back. I ended up thinking about that, and in the end even more than the straw that breaks the camels back I think I hate all the meaningless straws that are in there because at the time they seemed tolerable. It's like we go around and just accept things for so god damn long because we don't feel like losing face by reacting to them, or we want to perpetuate a situation in the hopes that it will get better. All the while that last straw could come anytime. Fuck those other straws.
But anyway, god dammit I'm so unfocused. But you know what, I love being angry, I feel so god damn productive, even though this is totally worthless it's the most rapid writing I've done in a few days and it feels fucking good. After I'm done with this I might go watch Look Back in Anger which is a movie I bought after hearing the tagline "Jimmy Porter is an angry young man" and seeing a scene in which he called some actress an evil-minded little virgin. Goid damn that man is angry.
But Math pisses me off for several reasons, I just did that test, I won't get an A since I got tired of the calculations after a while, but I certainly won't fail it, I predict a B. And that's ridiculous, I haven't really touched a math problem in almost a year, but it's all still there. I can't stand it, and this all sounds really conceited, but look again and I'm rally not, I absolutely hate the fact that this is the kind of area in which my talent lies. I feel like it's representative of so much of my life, I will excel and succeed in areas I have no desire to dominate in, I will draw friends to me who I really don't give a shit about or find interesting, but then when I find someone who I can actually fucking connect to I'll blow it. If I lose all my mathematical skill and transfer just a single 1% of it to an area of my life that I care about, I would be so god damn happy.
Regrets, regrets fucking piss me off, ad it's a point I don't even want to talk about, but I'm thinking about it now so what the hell. Say you don't have any regrets and you are a god damn liar. At the same time you're telling the absolute truth. Fucking pisses me off. I have no regrets, if I wasn't me I'd kill to be me and to have had the experiences I've had, even at my worst I've always come out learning something and that really makes me happy. At the same time, you've gotta have the humility to admit when you have made a mistake. That's where the dichotomy comes in HOLY SHIT BVAD SPELLING, but it's like, yeah, in the cosmic sense of regret you should have none, you should be content to trust your decisions in the past. But hearing that armed with the knowledge of today we'd do the same as yesterday, I don't agree with. I dunno, I guess my problem is in hurting other people, every time I've made someone upset or made them cry, yeah, I'd fucking take it back, and if you wouldn't that makes you a pretty shitty human being. I don't even mean that, I don't think there are any shitty human beings, sometimes I says things like "all human beings are shitty" but I don't mean that either. Whatever, it really doesn't matter.
I also really dislike my own epiphanies, I have a general distaste for any surprises my subconscious will spring on me in the middle of something, like right now, after writing that, I know exactly what I'm angry about, or rather, what I'm upset about. We all do make mistakes in life, I've made a ton and I've lost a lot, somehow along the way I haven't lost my life and I wonder if that's such a great thing to be holding onto so dearly. I spent this summer waiting to be arrested for a crim eI didn't commit. It's not like I even came close to really getting arrested, but just that 1 in a thousand chacen that I would really had me freaked out. I could've died in so many car accidents by now, and yet I don't, they are a much more likely chacne of happening. Why am I talking about chances and odds here, I dunno, I think it's that in the end the odds and chances don't matter, because we're all in the same boat and eventually our number's gonna come up completely randomly, and in that second I know I will regret right now, I spent a long time being able to die happily, and now I feel like that's gone again, and it really pisses me off.

Tell you what though if there's anything that makes me happy it's these things: Moogles

That's all, have a good night everyone