Nobility

I really just want everyone to know how much restraint I showed today. I thought of something that would be really funny to post online in a public setting, something which would no doubt have made a great many people laugh, but something which would also be offensive to someone I know and I chose NOT to post it just so they didn't cry themselves to sleep and have everyone think less of them. Maybe that doesn't really make me all that good, but I think it at least makes me not-quite-so-bad for the day.

In other news, although I am not in any particularly dire need of money I have decided to sell some of my posessions for the good of humanity, I will be creating a listing every day or so with something I own and prices will be extremely affordable, the listings will be found in the Temple Network of Facebook, that's right I finally found a facebook feature I enjoy. Today's listing is already up so happy bargain hunting!

Remarkable

Before a trip to 7-11 I had been under the delussioned impression that my day could not improve any further, however Frito-Lay, genius producers of Doritos have managed to outdo themselves with the creation of their new flavor "X-13D" and I know what you're thinking "hey, that sounds like a robot from Star Wars, but you'd be wrong, because this tastes far worse than a robot.

The flavor is listed as some sort of mystery, but my roommate had already reported to me that they actually taste of burger. I decided to put it to the test, with over three dozen ingredients, none of them coming from any sort of animal I thought this would be a massive accomplishment. I was correct. I smelled the bag as I opened it, it smelled more like a pungant garbage can than a burger, but I decided to persevere. I took a bite and did indeed instantly recognize the flavor and I will fully admit, I was a little impressed.

These chips do not taste like burgers, they taste almost EXACTLY like McDonald's hamburgers, complete with Pickles, that tomato-esque sauce and meager diced onions. There's even a little bit of flavor that tastes like McDonald's hamburger bun. That being said the flavor isn't neccessarily pleasurable and probably could be likened in a way to licking the side of either R2-D2 or C3PO, but nevertheless I am impressed that Frito-Lay ingenuity would be able to concoct such a precise replica using only vaguely edible chemicals. Frito-Lay is also oferring up the opportunity for its customer base to name the flavor themselves by way of online submission. I really wanted to submit something that reflected my view that the level of genius it took to make this disgusting potato chip flavor could have been applied to curing HIV or cancer. That being said I couldn't think of anything appropriate, so I just submitted the name "Tastes like AIDS" and left it at that, perhaps X-13D or R2-D2 is better though...

Speaking of robots though and given my recent facebook post this is relevant. I recently received an invitation to a "Zombies vs Robots" party. The idea being that people will dress as either Zombies or Robots, the girl who's throwing the party is pretty cool and of a relatively high intelligence, I just want to say that before my next statement.

What a retarded party idea. I've seen Pirate vs Ninja parties and they work well, because everyone knows pirates and ninjas hate each other, plus both of those costumes are pretty easy to come up with using household items....at least, if you're me. Zombies vs Robots however.....I mean, I can't even think of a motivation behind such a conflict, plus for every bit as cool as pirates and ninjas are, zombies and robots are equally as lame. Finally, I want to know who in their right mind is going to actually assemble a Robot costume AND wear it for the night?

That being said I imagine the party will turn into a giant fest of fake blood and ripped clothing with not a robot in sight and you know what....I'm fucking down for that.

Have a good night everyone!

Thank the Heavens

So like most of collegic America I am in posession of a facebook profile, I was lucky enough to acquire one with the face of a pretty cool lookin' dude holding a bottle of Captain Morgan's Rum. For referrence anyone who wants to facebook me I'll give you a couple of clues, Temple network, first name Trev, and I just described me picture to you. Good Luck. Anyway I was looking around today at the new applications you can add to your facebook, presumably so you can communicate with your friends so well online that you never have to see them in person.

I'm not saying I'm against this, I mean, I can think of tons of my 'friends' who I'd rather not have to see. Anyway back to the matter at hand, I discovered one called "SGO", like most Americans I am enthralled by the concept of acronyms and needed to know more, so I read the description: "Finally you can express your sexual orientation and gender identity accurately."

Fantastic. That had really been worrying me. I promptly took a look at it and found out not only EXACTLY what gender I am (Male) but ALSO exactly who I'm sexually oriented towards (Some named Christine from out West). At last the day of reckoning is at hand, tomorrow I will set out to find this 'Christine' and fullfil my SGO destiny.

Have a good night everyone!

Jokes

I find myself wondering this evening what exactly seriousness is, how worthwhile it is, and whether or not I exhibit traits of it.

3 people stood with me tonight and asked when I have been serious.

I've always had a firm belief in the power of opposites and the ways in which they interact, I believe that some of the most serious messages can be carried and received through humor, meanwhile some of the most hysterical farses are in serious statements, serious inquiries and serious lives.

Perhaps it is because of this belief, I have tried to prevent myself from being a farse by avoiding being serious. This post is making less and less sense. Have a good night everyone.

88, It was me

Perhaps my observations add up to some sort of galactic coincidence, if this is not the case however then there are a few distinct properties that seem to add up to the fact that the vast majority of the female population is a form of insane most often referred to as "bat-shit." One particular trend of note which I would like to highlight is the predictability of girls once departed from a boyfriend who go on to make horrific decisions regarding the next people they decide to date or hook up with. I mean, this comes in many forms, sometimes they do it with your friends, other members of your family, coworkers, or sometimes it will be someone who's going to just treat them horribly but then sometimes they can make a decision SO absolutely crazy that it defies any form of logic.

To reinforce this point I would like to referrence a story of a girl named Elizabeth. Elizabeth is the older sister of my good friend Stubbs. Now, for multiple years Elizabeth has been dating a guy named Kevin, but recently she got scared of the whole committment thing and broke it off. This is fair enough, I mean it's an understandable fear to have and sometimes people need space. I got the train the other day though and an into Stubbs and he began telling me about what has happened since.

In the two weeks since breaking up with Kevin Elizabeth has found a new boyfriend already, this in itself is fine, but then I was told more about this mystery suitor. First, she just ran into him one day and they decided to grab lunch, not too weird, and I haven't seen this guy in person so perhaps he's attractive, but by everything else I've heard I highly doubt it. Anyway, this guy lives in the city and I forget his real name so I'm just gonna call him Goober for purposes of this entry. Goober lives in the city alone with no roommates at all. He has very few, if any friends and lives in an apartment that is filled with shelled out PC's. Now I mean, this is fine, he's probably just quiet and a slow social mover, and perhaps he's a bit of a nerd, and that's fine. At the same time I can't help but feel that there is something wrong with him, and perhaps that stems from a single conversation which was passed on to me.

Elizabeth was over at Goober's house and it was getting late. Goober asks "So are you going to stay over?" To which Elizabeth replies "Yeah I may as well."
A time passes and Goober says "Well, we aren't going to do anything tonight." At this stage Elizabeth inquires "What do you mean?" and Goober answers "You know, like sex, we're not going to tonight."
Elizabeth pauses and says "Yeah, I wasn't planning on it." Thus far the conversation to me seems....strange, but passable, but I think it's here that I can pinpoint where the weirdness is for me because Goober pipes up with:

"Yeah, and I mean, I was masturbating all day to make sure."
At this Elizabeth likely gave him a strange look so Goober felt the need to add:
"Don't worry, it was to you, so it's ok."

Now, I don't think it's too presumptuous to say that any normal person would probably leave at that point and likely not talk to Goober again. For Elizabeth this is not true, she is still going out with him and even had him meet her parents this past weekend.

I'm sure it will all work itself out, for now I just hope that Kevin doesn't know who she's dating now, because if he knows what he got left for, he's gotta feel like shit. I suppose my lesson of the day is: Forget your ex's.

Have a good night everyone

Control Yourself

I'm probably an asshole for thinking this, but it's based on firm personal experience at this point. In my opinion the majority of public bathrooms should be removed, there are multiple reasons for this not the least of which being the fact that this morning I had to clean shit in the bathroom at Barnes and Noble because some incompetant retard/ ignorant asshole didn't know how to/ chose not to shit in the toilet, but rather around it. The phrase "I had to" is used loosely here since one of the managers offered to do it, but I decided to spare them the disgusting task and do it myself.
Here's my case: at the last three jobs I have worked at there have been public bathrooms. People come in to use them frequently and do things like shit on the seat, use them to smoke or shoot up or sometimes just clog it on purpose. This happens a lot in the city especially. The other side of my case is that the average human doesn't have to shit more than once or twice a day, and most are capable of dropping a deuce before they go out for the day, factor that with the fact that generally once you know you need to shit you should have a good hour or so before it becomes neccessary unless you have some sort of bowel related problem. To me this also equates to the fact that if you are a responsible citizen you probably will not need to take a shit in a store that you spend less than 30 minutes in.
Like I said, maybe I'm an asshole for saying this, but I really think that public restrooms are a convenience that is largely unneccessary and frequently abused, they should be removed.

Updated Regularly

So, I had intended upon taking a month off when my birthday came. In the end I suppose I took closer to three. Regardless I am now back, it's been a good three months and I've had my fair share of new experiences, so hopefully I can impart some of the lessons I have learned to this 'internet' everyone keeps blabbing about. This morning however I am going to make myself some breakfast.

My breakfast this morning shall consist of some scrambled eggs, bacon, lightly toasted bread with butter and a handful of sliced mushrooms. I find that most mornings I have little time for breakfast, I have to be at work by 7:30 and usually have just enough time for a shower before I throw my clothes on and head out the door. I am a firm believer that when a person has the chance they should make themselves a large and hearty breakfast, there is a sense of accomplishment inherent in all cooking and I think that breakfast is really something which can set the tone for a day, I want today to be productive since I am hoping to write a number of pages for one of the two written works I am currently in the process of creating. Of course, it's also possible that this is all bullshit and no amount of breakfast will have me writing productively today, but we'll see.

Naws Tal Jah - 21 is the new 0

I completed a lot of writing in the last couple of weeks. I've started a few projects and outlined others. I've made headway with larger tasks and generally I've been feeling pretty good about my progress. Today I found I had several documents open at once and decided to save them, then discovered while looking in the "My Documents" folder that it had become quite cluttered with a lot of documents from the past and a lot of things that aren't too important. More than that, even though some may be worth saving, the filing system for them was horrendous.

Anyway, I started going through and opening the documents, browsing through them, renaming them and moving them around to be better organized. I had a lot of documents tranferred to this computer from my family's home computer in the suburbs and it's got a small portion of files from my now deseased laptop. As a result I found myself looking at a relatively comprehensive survey of my writing in the past 4 years, similarly this represents a fairly accurate snapshot of my thoughts, feelings, and values throughout this time period. It's been quite revealing.

My writing hasn't really changed all that much over these years, I think it's probably a little more sophisticated, but the style has not changed very much at all, I'm still in love with alliteration and metaphors seem to be my favorite plaything, that sounds so nerdy. I've learned that the core of me really hasn't changed that much over the years either, I know I've gone through a lot of different phases, and a lot of people around me have talked about ways in which I've changed, but looking at my writing now I find that I really haven't changed on the inside, the changes that have occured largely fall into two groups: First, cosmetic changes, surface interests and actions, and Second, the apparent changes that have occured simply because I've been given occassion to show different sides of myself.

It's this second thing I want to talk about this evening. What I mean by this second set of changes is that they do not exist independently, but rather have come in the form of reactions to changing climates within my life. In this sense these things are a lot like what I was talking about a few weeks ago with never really knowing who we are until we are tested. Much as it may seem trite to quote from a genre movie I feel that this quote from Batman Begins is one I have thought of recently: "Deep down you may still be that same great kid you used to be. But it's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you."

I think that a lot of bad things happen to people in life, in the past 4 years I've had my ups and downs, and I have to say that looking back I'm fairly proud of the ways I've reacted, I think I've managed to stand up for what I believe in and represented what I feel is a general goodness. It's my 21st birthday at midnight and I'm taking solace in the battles I've weathered. I've acted poorly at times, but I think I've always recovered well enough and remained true to myself.

There are a lot of people in this world who are good, or want to say that they are, and perhaps they could be, but when the shit hits the fan and something bad happens to them they react equally badly. I can't blame you for this, we've all felt weak and vulnerable at times and we've all had bad things happen to us, what I'd like you to do is stop and consider what possible good you are serving in replicating those same bad things on others.

Those that know me also know that I have been through a lot of shitty situations in the past couple of years, I've made some mistakes and I've had some shitty things done to me. Last night I found myself thinking about how satisfying it might be to make someone else feel that way, how justified I would be in protecting myself from having the same shit pulled on me again by pulling it on others. The truth is I'll never be justified in hurting someone else, and I will always regret it if I do. So if I have ever hurt anyone out there, I probably do remember, and I am sorry.

In under an hour I will be 21. I've been feeling nostalgic tonight, but at the same time I'm looking ahead to the future. I'm nt going to allow my past to jade my future, and I'm not going to accept that in others any more. I'm wiping my slate clean and I'm starting fresh, I want to thank everyone who has brought me to this point in my life, apologize to those I might have wronged, forget all my history and wake up tomorrow renewed.

Maturity

So I took another math test yesterday, this one was a 2 hour examination that took me 11 minutes. It seems any wish I might have had to transfer my talents away from mathematics have failed, oh well. Afterwards however I found myself in a much better mood than last time. As a result I did not feel the need to create another post of pure emotional explosion, or Emoplosion as I'm calling it. I'm all for free writing, but seriously, that post was crap.

Anyway, I got to thinking yesterday and this morning about the idea of maturity. and decided to elucidate my thoughts in this online format. It seems to me that maturity is something that a lot of people talk about without taking the time to think about what they really mean by it. I rarely talk about how mature people are, because when it comes down to it I've never known. I know that people can take either mature or immature actions, but generally even that distinction is filled with gray area. For instance, I often make a lot of immature jokes, but I excuse this as being for sake of parody, and in so doing I validate my actions as mature. Responding to criticism or insult by simply saying 'your mom' followed by whatever insult preceded the response isn't mature, hell, it's not even funny, but in a way that's the point, or so I tell myself.

Looking to nature it seems that many animals go through some sort of irreversible physical change and this signifies their maturity. Deer for instance lose their spots, male lions grow manes etc. The difficulty with people though is that while we do undergo physical change it most definitely does not signify any kind of maturity, especially the kind of social maturity that people talk about so often. This point could be argued of course, but I challenge you to find maturity in a boy sticking his dick in cricket food, people mindlessly hooking up with strangers at parties, even better groups of people drinking excessively as justification for the aforementioned hookups. Find maturity in male binge drinking, find maturity in cracking voices, find maturity in keg stands. Find maturity in self-consciousness over your weight when at a lithe 125, 120, 115??? pounds, find maturity in emo-kids and thug rap fans. I'm sure it's there somewhere, but realistically puberty may bring us a host of things but I don't think maturity is one of them.

But hear again, is another problem, the idea of maturity to us is a purely social construction, and as such it seems like it needs a new definition. Since maturity is now so linked to social activity it seems that the new definition must inherently be defined in some way that demonstrates this link. This is why the idea of physical change that is found to often in nature does not apply. However we can still take a degree of inspiration from this. I've been thinking about this new definition for a long time.....at least 5 minutes now....and I think that as in nature it must be something irreversible, however instead of being a physical change, for us it is a mental change.

I have spoken before of our ability to shift and become who we like, our personalities can change at an alarming rate. I have also spoken of how we resist adherence to a personality for too long, I have admitted that I find myself to be an actor and a liar in that I change who I am frequently and am afraid of closing doors now open to me even if it means being able to open a single one that I've never been able to before. In short I have discussed the reluctance to define ourselves in a persistent sense. I think that maturity has a lot to do with this, while immature we do bounce between personalities, we are confused as to who we are and as a result of attempting to define ourselves as many things we end up defining ourselves as nothing.

I think that maturity comes when something happens to you, a wonderful or horrible event, a big decision, something major, something social, that causes you to realize that there is no longer value in being defined as nothing, that there are some personalities which are truly not you, and in defining what is not you, in closing those doors you begin to define that which is you. The process might be slow, closing one door at a time, or it might be immediate, choosing the one or two paths to take, but nevertheless that's it to me. That's maturity, it's letting go of the shallow idea of being everything at once and finding the meaning to delving deeper.

We each swim on the surface of an ocean so that we can see the horizons, in diving beneath we can never hope to see so far, but someday don't you want to see what's beneath the surface? In this definition though I would like to take away the negative connotation of immaturity. I believe that I am an immature person at present, I think I've decided to close some doors, but there are still many I keep ajar, I might peek my head beneath the surface, but never so far that I can't reach the surface once more.

Anyway, I don't see one as positive and the other as negative, everyone has their own way of dealing with life, so next time you go to call someone immature, think about what you're saying and if you're trying to insult them, then reconsider and think about whether or not it's actually for the best for them. If someone should call you mature, or immature, don't resist and be contrary about it, perhaps it's just how they see you. If people are calling you immature and you resent that, think about it, are you immature? If you see it as a problem, if you get defensive, then maybe you should think about why it offends you. Learn to accept yourself for who you are.

Anyway, I might add to this later if I think of more to say, hope everyone has a good day.

Achilles

It's time that I discuss one of my weaknesses. I've talked about a lot of things on this blog so far, but here is something that is relatively unknown to most of my friends, it's one of my crippling weaknesses; Dinosaur Hunting.

I have never been able to really explain why I enjoy hunting prehistoric creatures so much, all I really know is that when a cold-blooded and supposedly extinct threat looms I become pretty gung-ho about the whole ordeal. I remember when I was really young I absolutely loved building dinosaur models, however as I grew I found it was my destiny to destroy those dinosaur models and anything that resembled them. I went to see Jurassic Park while it was in theaters, I think I must have been ten or so at the time. I was pretty pissed off at many of the characters though because I didn't think they managed to slay near high enough a quantity of dinosaurs. My obsession grew with age and I distinctly remember back when the Turok games were popular I was not seen for an entire summer. That's the thing with games that have respawning enemies, your work is never done.

I love killing dinosaurs.

A couple of years ago there was some stuff on the news about how there might be prehistoric creatures lurking beneath the sea. I dropped out of high school and learned to scuba dive the day after I saw the first news cast. I had purchased several guns for the excursion and was most disappointed when I found out that most of them would be largely ineffective underwater. I instead purchased a harpoon gun for my undersea bounty hunt, and it was at that store that I first met Kenneth. Kenneth did not share my passion for the wholesale genocide of raging lizard creatures, but he did enjoy diving and the murder of sea creatures in general. We had our differences, since I detest the murder of sea creatures, all creatures in general really¹. But regardless of this we became fast friends and allies on the quest.

Finally the day arrived when we would go after the beast, we dove as far as we physically could, but it was obviously not deep enough, there was no way the creature would come to a shallow enough depth, unless of course there was sufficient bait. We had some chum and such with us, but all this did was attract sharks, most of which we were forced to kill. Even with the fresh shark corpses in the water though the beast would not be stirred, with alarm I realized that we would soon run out of air and be forced to return to the surface. My natural dinosaur hunting instincts kicked in and I realized what I had to do, I shot Kenneth in the chest with my harpoon gun. I then grabbed his air tank and let his body sit in the organ-laden soup of water that had been created by our carnage.

Finally the beast came from the depths, it swallowed Kenneth's body whole, for that I was thankful since it definitely cleared up a lot of problems I would likely have had with the authorities later had his body reached the surface. After devouring my friend it turned it's attention to me, I shot, reloaded and shot again until I was out of harpoons. Still the beast came. The harpoons protruded from its body as mere splinters. It became rapidly obvious that I would not be able to defeat the beast, but by this point I was in a frenzy, so I attacked.

I rushed at the beast with an adrenaline driven ferocity the like of which I would not know again for another 2 years. My intent was to use my minor martial arts experience to somehow subdue it. To be honest I don't think this was my intent at all, I don't think I was even possessed of intentions at this stage. Regardless I rushed, it rushed and the distance between us was closed. It open it's great maw and swallowed me whole.

As the dinosaur's mouth closed I knew I was finished, I would be crushed. An odd thing happened though, instead of being crushed the beast simply swallowed me whole. I won't get into the details but 2 days later I passed alive and well out the creature's ass and back into the sea. Before you ask how I breathed, I survived largely on the air tanks left behind by all the divers it had eaten before me.

Anyway, I returned to the surface and made my way home. I explained the situation to my uncle and he told me what my problem was. On land or at sea projectile weapons will only get you so far, and that is largely limited by the ammunition you carry. That day my uncle entrusted me with a prize possession of his, a Kabar Combat Knife, normally issued to marines, now issued to a fool of a boy with a dinosaur hunting obsession.

Since that day I've trained long and hard with that knife and it's the only weapon I ever use. My obsession remains and when I see animatronic lizards on the television my roommates often have to restrain me, but one day, when the dinosaur menace looms once more, I will be ready.

This post is dedicated to the memory of Kenneth Barclay IV. May he rest peacefully.

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¹It's probably important to point out that I do not consider Dinosaurs to be living creatures but rather assume that they are abominations of nature and perversions of the natural order.

I am Real

I remember the impact that reading "The Things They Carried" had on me the first time I read it. Tonight I am rereading a single paragraph in the chapter entitled "On the Rainy River." The paragraph deals with the idea of courage and a youthful notion that we are each posessed of a finite amount of courage. Essentially O'Brien discusses the idea of going through life and justifying cowardice in your daily life under the guise that we are each saving our courage for something really important.

I also have a book which was given to me by a man named Matt Silver who I respect greatly. The book is a simple hardback which contains a single question or statement to think about on each page. One of the pages is a black, or perhaps dark blue, I can't really tell with the awful lighting in my room. Regardless the question on the page reads: "Will you ever really know how brave you truly are?"

What I want to talk about isn't so much courage or bravery directly, but rather a sense of knowing how anything you truly are. I know that I myself have always had an internal idea of who I am, but I have never been really sure, when the shit hits the fan and all my chips are laid down, would I be who I think I am, or something different, something most likely far worse.

We all have dreams, I remember when I was young hearing about school shootings and thinking how I would stand up to another kid with a gun, I rationalized it by saying that a kid with a gun would lack a lot of confidence and be taken by surprise easily, I envisioned myself as a hero. I always had the suspicion that my headmaster in England was possessed of a curious prescience, one piece of evidence to this came when he talked to my classmates and I about the school shootings. He didn't talk to us in any kind of Headmaster way, instead talking as a person and he asked us rhetorically how we would react if a classmate brought in a gun. He then added that a great many people would see themselves defending their classmates, but would be just as likely to hide beneath a desk and soil themselves. The headmaster of my school was named Mr. Jones, I've only ever spoken of him very rarely. On that day though I first came to really seriously consider the reality of reactions versus expectations of self.

Thankfully I still don't know if I would have soiled myself beneath a desk.

The trouble with knowing the extent of one's bravery, or the extent of one's goodness, kindness, any of the virtues we might dream of having within us is that we can write off the times when we fail as unimportant, somehow unworthy of the expenditure of our virtues, this connects most succinctly with the ideas expressed by Tim O'Brien. The flipside is that whenever we do live up to our virtues while we take comfort in ourselves there is always the sneaking doubt, the suspicion of a worse situation, one in which we would crumble, becoming something brutal or hateful.

I have always had a great faith in my own ability to love and care. I have done my share of horrible things to people, I have hated, I have been an asshole. Throughout it all I always told myself that it just wasn't important enough, that there was some situation or some person that would live up to the worthiness of my virtues. The dream lives on, but as just that, a dream, not a reality. We each sit and wait, wondering if we will ever know how brave, how loving, how kind, how forgiving, how compassionate or how determined we are.

Reality so often dissappoints, and when reality pulls through it is often we who end up dissappointing ourselves. But not today. Richard Bach penned the words: "I gave my life to become the person I am right now. Was it worth it?" Yes. Whole heartedly yes.

I don't think that I will ever know the extent of my virtues, I don't know if I'll ever truly know where any of my limits lie, to be honest I've never really believed in limits at all. There was a quote posted on the wall of one of my history classrooms in highschool which read "It's not what you know, it's what you think of in time." It may seem indirect, but I feel that this applies quite precisely to these issues. It doesn't matter what your limits are, what matters is what you actually do, what matters is if you summon the force of will and the strength of character at the key moments when it's needed. There is no way of knowing these things, we are all good people, everyone has the potential within them, and that potential is largely unlimited. The trick is that the only ones in control of any of this is us.

Tonight I am the man I always hoped I was and I will not be cut down by any man, woman or ideal set against me. The only person who can cut me down is me. I am real, and the real me is exactly who I expected.

On Oscar Night

I enjoyed watching the Oscars this year. I haven't done it for a while and I can honestly say I'm glad I did this time. One huge reason for that is the interpretive dance group that did the filler entertainment. Seriously, when they made themselves in penguins for Happy Feet I thought it was brilliant. When they formed their bodies into a van for Little Miss Sunshine I wanted to call some Puritans and report the dancers for witch-trial. I immediately hung up the phone when they did Snakes on a Plane and Casino Royale though because only by the will of God could a group of humans do that.

The awards themselves I didn't care about half of, but I suppose that's the way of things, to be honest I don't really understand many of the subtleties of sound mixing and so I've never been too passionate about most of the technical awards. I was pissed off that Pan's Labyrinth didn't win Best Foreign Film, but I haven't seen the German one that won, so I'll have to hold off my rage until I see it, pass a completely biased judgment on how crappy I think it is and feel justified in saying that Pan's Labyrinth was robbed.

Before the awards I was hanging out with my roommate Andy and we were talking about Netflix and the topic of the purpose of movies came up. I think it's an important thing to bear in mind, I watch movies primarily to be entertained, sometimes I'll watch them to learn something also, but that's pretty much the whole deal. I can appreciate technical quality and originality, but the fact that I find myself laughing a lot harder and more entertained by You Got Served and Nick Fury: Agent of Shield (David Hasslehoff with an eyepatch....) than something technically impressive and artistically rendered makes them the more worthwhile movies in my mind. Then again there's nothing wrong with enjoying movies, or anything else for that matter, for other reasons, so long as you don't intentionally dislike a something, regardless of enjoying it, on some contrived principle.

A lot of people get very passionate about the Academy Awards, especially regarding the winners of Best Picture. I remember when Crash won best picture over Brokeback. I was kinda pissed at first too, because I thought Brokeback seemed more important. I hadn't seen Crash yet though, so I gave it a chance. In the end I find myself agreeing with the academy, from a technical standpoint the use of multiple narratives was effective, and I relate and react more to themes of racism than a homosexual love story turn tragedy. That being said, I think both movies were excellent.

The point I'd like to make though is that all art of personal, and so an Oscar isn't the be-all end-all of a movie, people will appreciate movies that aren't nominated and a lot of people will dislike movies which are nominated. Everyone already knows this, and it's not worth jumping up and down saying that the Academy is filled with idiots. The Academy is not filled with idiots, if it were I highly doubt they could have contrived of such an excellent way to make copious amounts of money.

There's a great beauty in the world, and that is in our freedom to appreciate what we wish, exercise that right for yourself and don't put people down when they do the same. 2006 was a relatively good year for movies in my opinion and I'm pretty excited for this year's contribution to our collective need to escape reality once in a while. Have a good night everyone!

Not Meaning Whores...

I actually received some comments on my titling of the "Prostitution" post and thought I would clear some things up. First, yes, I know the dates on some of my posts are wrong, this is because I often start them on one day and then let them sit for days at a time before finishing them. The Prostitution piece went up last night, but I already got a couple of emails regarding the title and why it was used. I want to just say that I meant no offense to anyone in that profession, also that I am not in fact a prostitute myself, so no Tiffany S, I will not be performing that transaction with you.

One definition for prostitution is the use of a talent or skill for an unworthy cause. While writing my post I was considering this a lot and I was thinking of what a worthy cause really is, and it seems to me also that some talents are considered unworthy at the outset regardless of what they are used for. Specifically within our society it is considered largely unnacceptable for women to use seduction and their bodies for any goal. That isn't to say that strip clubs aren't ridiculously popular, but to admit that one is a stripper becomes an embarassment. This is an extreme example.

I remember in my own life finding out that a girl I knew was leading a guy on so get discounts on purchases for some expensive stuff. I thought it was pretty disgusting at the time, and I think a lot of people would agree. In reflection however I thought, why not? Am I suggesting that I wouldn't do anything I could to save 50 bucks if it meant lying? The truth is that there's nothing really wrong with this kind of behavior, everyone's got their talents and it's foolish not to employ them.

Prostitution however as I said is the employment of a talent for an unworthy cause. Obviously this is mostly tied to sexual favors for money in our society, so I'd like to address this. Please be open minded in reading this, I really don't need a slew of emails telling me about how wrong I am, trust that I fully respect your opinions on the subject and am simply offering my own. Anyway, I have decided that I do not disagree morally with prostitution, and following I will tell you why.

Prostituion is profession of using sex to gain money. The acquisition of money is thought of as an unworthy cause, however in looking at my own life I find it difficult to find a time when I have had sex for a cause more worthy than money. This might sound strange, but think about it, money in our society represents the ability to survive, it represents paying rent, eating, and putting clothes on your back. I can't think of many more worth causes than that. When I look at the childish reasons that I've had sex it all seems rather meaningless. For pleasure, hell yeah, but how does my selfishness compare to the whore supporting her kid? I've fucked out of hatred and anger, I've fucked for revenge, I've fucked for control. These things, these things are wrong, and I'm not alone, I can think of a number of women who've tried to manipulate or control me using sex. To me, this kind of thing is just a little more wrong than putting food on the table.

Of course there's also the prevalence of drug addiction in prostitution, selling yourself to get money to fuel your addiction, and then there's the diseases, I think that's a case of more responsibility though. Maybe we just need more respectable and responsible prostitutes.

Ersatz

It is said that art imitates life. However from fiction writing I have learned that the best fiction cannot possibly follow life precisely, because that creates bad fiction. Instead art to me seems to use shades of life as its palette and then repaint an entirely different picture so that the colors used can be better understood.

I thought about all this on a day working at the bookstore when a kid came in a bought a bunch of art supplies with the intention of creating a portfolio of art so that he could get into art school. I acknowledge that there is some purpose to art school, there are various skills and techniques which can be passed on in any artform, but really as I was ringing up this guy's purchases it made me think about how ridiculous it is to be producing art for the sake of getting into a school. In my mind art had always been something that is for it's own sake, it's a form of expression.

I suppose there's no other way for art schools to see if people posess a degree of talent, however this also draws up another issue of how exactly they are gauging the potential of applicants, I'm assuming they are under the impression that they can quantify artistic ability. My problem with this is how much of art appreciation is simply taste, it seems a relatively flawed system to quantify talent and admit or omit people based upon that. Regardless, like I said, I see the necessity of it so I suppose it doesn't matter.

Last year Iread an essay entitled "Hunting is not those heads on the wall" which I thought conveyed a lot of good points about the nature of art. I thouroughly recommend it to anyone interested, if it's available online I'll try and find it so I can post a link.

Prostitution

I've had a couple of good friends in my life. In fact I've actually had several. An important thing to note about my friends however is that they do not get along, if I were to draw out a web diagram of my friends and lines color coded for degrees of friendliness and hatred towards one another I believe I would find myself in the center of a rather hostile graphic representation. There are a couple of individuals who are exemplary of this, managing to be hated by the majority of figures in my life. One of these is someone who has been a very good friend of mine for a long time.

My friend's name is James and he is considered by many to be an asshole. It strikes me as odd that this is the derogatory term applied to him, since it is a term frequently applied to me by a number of people who seem to like me a great deal.

Once while sitting around one night James and I were talking and discussing the things we are readily willing to admit and the things we are not. We each came across the fact that we will fully confess our weaknesses to our friends, to acquaintances, to anyone at all really. In elucidating upon fears, doubts, and weakness one is better able to actually confront these things. It's not that it makes us anymore better equipped to dispell these fears or dismiss weaknesses, but what it does demonstrate is the fact that we are conscious of ourselves, that we understand ourselves to a degree and that we are not afraid of embracing our weakness as a part of our personalities.

After discussing this for a while we each came to admit that when it comes down to it we each are far more reluctant to admit the things that comprise our strengths. One the one hand of this argument there is the case that in admitting your strengths you are in truth exposing your greatest weakness. By telling others where your strength really lies there is no mystery to your action, and that is always a dangerous thing. After talking on this a little more we came to a silence and then told each other what our strengths were. They were of course surprisingly similar, and another interesting fact is that neither of us really enjoy what we are good at.
I wrote on this topic a while ago with my atrocious rant post-math test. I am good at math, and I don't like it, I don't like posessing a calculating or deductive mind. This was one of the similarities between James and I, the other strength was something which I personally hated, but which he enjoyed more. We each described variant talents in detail, but what we discovered it all boiled down to was a simple duo. Lies and general deception.

Knowing when to lie, how to lie, what people want to hear, all this manipulation bullshit. James and I each admitted that it's what we're good at. I can't think of a time when I've really been honest about who I am. I think this is true of most people, everyone has different faces they show. I think this becomes part of our justification though, knowing that others create facades we allow ourselves the privilege to always take it one step further. There's something key about human nature there, the old saying "you give an inch and they'll take a mile" isn't really true, but you can be damn sure that people will take 2 inches minimum. It's a simple case of precedent.

Regardless, I've taken my mile. I've seen a lot of people mislike James, far fewer within my friends mislike me, after all, they wouldn't be my friends otherwise. But this seems a moot point anyway. I wrote earlier on the diea of being chameleons and that we can choose to be whatever we wish, what I did not express at that stage and what I have been thinking of lately is the flipside to this. I thought about how anyone should be able to be what they want, and I know for a fact that this is true for me. Months ago someone expressed an admiration for me, they said that they felt I was too good for them because I could "be whatever I want." I thought they were retarded to be honest. I still think they were and are in truth.

We can each be whatever we wish, but that's only because we are so resistant and so fearful of what we are. I have always had a fear of commitment, any kind of commitment. Right up until the action I can be all for it though, but once it presents itself in truth I'm terrified. I find that in dating I'm most attracted to the unattainable. I find it very difficult to be attracted to a girl who is attracted to me, I find no interest in pursuing that which can be easily caught. It seems stupid, but really to step back and think about it, it makes perfect sense. Throughout life a man or woman will search for who they are, we will all try to find the things which define us, some of us will find it in an occupation, others in bringing ourselves as close to danger as possible, some will try everything and keep trying everything, others still will write lengthy essays in the first person. Some people will find a job, identify with it, settle down, live content. I've never seen myself doing that, perhaps it's just my current drive, but regardless it's a fact.

My current drive leads me to believe that each time I come close to understanding myself I will inherently react by altering myself in some way. Anytime an option presents itself which could possibly close off other possibilities I will react to it with fear and move on. It is for this reason that I can still be whatever I want, I believe the problem becomes that when you can conceivably have everything you can realistically have nothing. In short, by keep these options open I am destined to have a very interesting, but shallow and largely meaningless existence. I haven't decided yet if that will be fullfilling or not, but since it's the road I'm on, I kinda assume it is what I want.

Cutting the bullshit away I find that is there is one thing I am it is an actor. I play my part in the various goings on, I do what I can, and I have the pleasure of often writing my own roles. I've met few other people who are like me in this respect, or perhaps I've met many, but only a few have slipped their costumes so that I could identify with them. I can honestly say, I hate every single one of them.

:-)

At some point I should elucidate on how I go about notions of hatred and anger, because in truth though I say I hate these people, I also love them. I have a similar relationship with anger. But this is all for another day. Have a good night everybody.

Trev for Dummies

So a short time ago I figured out what's wrong with the world. I was strolling around the bookstore and I happened to see a combination of two books in a row. The first one was "Religion for Dummies" and the second was "The Complete Idiots Guide to Sex." The epiphany caused by this combination hit me in a similar fashion to the impact of my roommate tackling me to the floor seconds before he tore my phone in half a fortnight ago. I very abruptly realized that where humanity has gone wrong is in it's acceptance of ignorance and idiocy.
Why has religion caused so much death and so many conflicts? Because people are stupid.
Why are so many relationships messed up, and why is sex a taboo and controversial topic when it's so much of our everyday being? Because people are stupid.
We're actually publishing books to encourage complete morons to fuck each other over (pardon the expression) with sex and judge each other based on radical religious beliefs. I have often said that I will not judge a person without knowing more, it's always been my opinion that we should give people a chance and care enough to step into their shoes. But so many people in the world just can't be bothered, they would rather be ignorant. I think I might consider publishing a line of books for more careful and thoughtful people, perhaps I'll call it "________ for people who give a rats ass"

I will share this, I thought of a much cheaper joke for this, and was considering making it the post, just bringing up the Complete Idiots Guide to Sex and stating that dumb people should not reproduce. But that's cruel, so I'm just putting it as this adendum so that you know I'm not serious.

Or am I?

No, I'm really not.



?

Unintelligible Mess

So to forewarn anyone before they read this, this post is probably going to be compeltely assinine. I'm so angry right now and all I can think to do is stream of consciousness this, I'll go back later and add in pictures though to make it more bearable.

So I just got out of math class, and I fucking hate math class. I hate mathematics in general, I mean, it goes beyond normal hatred, I really dislike what it stands for a lot of the time, the whole idea of making a set of rules for the universe, trying to control shit, just avoiding admitting our feear of the unknown and never being quite satisfied. That's why i stopped pursuing math, and that's why I hate math majors, assholes. I'm joking, I don't really hate them, my friend Crhsi is one and though I haven't seen him in close to 2 years, I trust he's not a complete ass. I hate English majors too though, douchbags, the lot of them. I love language and havea huge passion for it, but english majors, many piss me off, the way they'll use intricate terminology to attempt to make points, when if they just spoke in common language they could often make what they're stating more clear, but of course if what they stated was clear then everyone would see that they're just full of shit.
Like everyone.
But anyway, that's not what this is about, this is about how good I am at Math and how much I hate that and how much that represents SOOOOO much of what I hate about myself. I also dislike it when people capitalize so and extend it, unless it's done in a humorous fashion. But I'll be damned if I'm gonna go back and deloete that now. Crap, this is going tpo be so full of typos by the end, but that's alright, because in all honesty I love typos, I can think of few things as simple that bring me such joy. But yeah anyway, I just got out of math, it was the first math test of the year and I went without a calculator, knowing full well that we were expected to have one and specifically one which can do scientific functions. Anyway the test turned out to be on calculations of payments plans using compound interest, which is of course pretty easy, but without a calculator becomes difficult. The formula looks something like this:

A= PMT[(1+{APR/n}^ny)-1] / (APR/N)

The thing is all the payment times and payment periods were huge, meanwhile dealing with tiny and precise APR values, so I ended up with things like 1.082 ^ 163 WOW, greta, what the fuck. Also, this turned out to be the whole test, like 15 questions of mind numbing bullshit. I ended up having to do all these long ass calculations to the point where the scratchwork on my paper looked like THIS meanwhile my interior thought processes looked like THIS and my general demeanor rapidly deteriorated to something like THIS. So yeah, I'm fucking pissed.
On top of this I keep getting calls all day from my roommate and landlord about my rent, I had a check sitting on my desk, but when the landlord decided to randomly come around nobody was gonna be home besides Blair, so I end up getting a call from him and another from Andy so I have to go home and collect all the checks, not that they're all there. Fucking 15 minutes extra walkingh in the most frigid weather imginable. I swear to god if this keeps up I will not be leaving my bed for the netx couple of weeks. That's a lie, I'm enjoying classes too much.
The thing I fucking hate about this is that I'm not even remotely mad at anyone for the rent check thing, it's not my landlord's fault and it's not Andy's fault, it's nobodies fucking fault, and it's not even that big of a deal, and then that made me mad enough that the math test and subsequent afterthoughts became the straw that broke the camel's back. I ended up thinking about that, and in the end even more than the straw that breaks the camels back I think I hate all the meaningless straws that are in there because at the time they seemed tolerable. It's like we go around and just accept things for so god damn long because we don't feel like losing face by reacting to them, or we want to perpetuate a situation in the hopes that it will get better. All the while that last straw could come anytime. Fuck those other straws.
But anyway, god dammit I'm so unfocused. But you know what, I love being angry, I feel so god damn productive, even though this is totally worthless it's the most rapid writing I've done in a few days and it feels fucking good. After I'm done with this I might go watch Look Back in Anger which is a movie I bought after hearing the tagline "Jimmy Porter is an angry young man" and seeing a scene in which he called some actress an evil-minded little virgin. Goid damn that man is angry.
But Math pisses me off for several reasons, I just did that test, I won't get an A since I got tired of the calculations after a while, but I certainly won't fail it, I predict a B. And that's ridiculous, I haven't really touched a math problem in almost a year, but it's all still there. I can't stand it, and this all sounds really conceited, but look again and I'm rally not, I absolutely hate the fact that this is the kind of area in which my talent lies. I feel like it's representative of so much of my life, I will excel and succeed in areas I have no desire to dominate in, I will draw friends to me who I really don't give a shit about or find interesting, but then when I find someone who I can actually fucking connect to I'll blow it. If I lose all my mathematical skill and transfer just a single 1% of it to an area of my life that I care about, I would be so god damn happy.
Regrets, regrets fucking piss me off, ad it's a point I don't even want to talk about, but I'm thinking about it now so what the hell. Say you don't have any regrets and you are a god damn liar. At the same time you're telling the absolute truth. Fucking pisses me off. I have no regrets, if I wasn't me I'd kill to be me and to have had the experiences I've had, even at my worst I've always come out learning something and that really makes me happy. At the same time, you've gotta have the humility to admit when you have made a mistake. That's where the dichotomy comes in HOLY SHIT BVAD SPELLING, but it's like, yeah, in the cosmic sense of regret you should have none, you should be content to trust your decisions in the past. But hearing that armed with the knowledge of today we'd do the same as yesterday, I don't agree with. I dunno, I guess my problem is in hurting other people, every time I've made someone upset or made them cry, yeah, I'd fucking take it back, and if you wouldn't that makes you a pretty shitty human being. I don't even mean that, I don't think there are any shitty human beings, sometimes I says things like "all human beings are shitty" but I don't mean that either. Whatever, it really doesn't matter.
I also really dislike my own epiphanies, I have a general distaste for any surprises my subconscious will spring on me in the middle of something, like right now, after writing that, I know exactly what I'm angry about, or rather, what I'm upset about. We all do make mistakes in life, I've made a ton and I've lost a lot, somehow along the way I haven't lost my life and I wonder if that's such a great thing to be holding onto so dearly. I spent this summer waiting to be arrested for a crim eI didn't commit. It's not like I even came close to really getting arrested, but just that 1 in a thousand chacen that I would really had me freaked out. I could've died in so many car accidents by now, and yet I don't, they are a much more likely chacne of happening. Why am I talking about chances and odds here, I dunno, I think it's that in the end the odds and chances don't matter, because we're all in the same boat and eventually our number's gonna come up completely randomly, and in that second I know I will regret right now, I spent a long time being able to die happily, and now I feel like that's gone again, and it really pisses me off.

Tell you what though if there's anything that makes me happy it's these things: Moogles

That's all, have a good night everyone

Comfort

Remember to wake up with a smile each day, because no matter what's going on, one thing is for sure, you just broke your own personal record for most consecutive days spent alive.

With Direction

So today I finally did it, I finally put enough pieces of my life together to form a cohesive plan for what I want to do with my life after graduation. This plan shall remain largely a secret except to those I have already entrusted it to, but suffice it to say, it is very much a plan in the strain of existence that people would expect. Needless to say it will involve drinking, sex, beaches and bitches.

I feel really good about myself now, probably better than I've felt since the days when I knew I wanted to be a pilot, there really is something to be said of having a dream and some direction in life. Anyway, I'm off to get drunk and celebrate, I hope everyone else has a wonderful night!

There is only You and Me

I have a firm belief in bullshit. Bullshit can change the world just as surely as non-bullshit. Lies can wield the same force as truth and have equally positive or negative effects, there is no argument that some lies can be sweet, some can be cruel, and the same is valid of truths. A lot of my friends will joke about my ability to bullshit, it’s gotten me through much of college both on verbal and written levels. The reasons for this are numerous, it is likely largely due to the fact that I am relatively talented when it comes to saying what I mean to say, but this really isn’t about my bullshit.

The truth is, bullshit can change minds, bullshit can convince people, bullshit weighs in heavily as a potent force. Some people claim to be able to smell bullshit when people are saying it, but this is untrue, more often people know very particular pieces of bullshit when they are spoken due to their own personal knowledge. But I’m rambling here, so what is my point?

In an ever changing world and as ever changing people, nothing we say is ever the full truth, at least not in any lasting sense, because our minds and opinions can change and with that so can the beliefs which we hold true. It is somewhat scary to think about how much we do change over very short periods of time. I began writing this post because I am currently reading a feminist reaction piece to notions of Cartesian Mathematics and it made me start thinking about the subtle yet overwhelming levels of bullshit which exist all around us and we willingly believe in order to maintain notions of objectivity within the world.

In recent months, in recent years, I have experienced a great lack of confidence in my identity and it has given me great cause for concern. In truth my search for identity has been a futile one because I have been looking for the wrong kinds of answers. Frankly right now I could define myself in a number of ways, by the things I care about, the beliefs I hold true and the powers which I perceive are exercised over me and the powers which I myself exercise over the world. But all of these things can change, and do, quite regularly. The real answer I should accept is simply that I am me. This is the most basic of identification but it is one which holds true for as long as is necessary, do my beliefs really matter? Does it matter what I love, what I hate or what I hold true, or are all those things merely temporary manifestations which pale in comparison to the simple fact that I am here right now?

Descartes posited to civilization that mathematics was the key to solving the entire universe, and that we need this kind of strict system of rules in order to bring order to our lives. Descartes truly lived in a great fear of chaos and his way of dealing with it was to put his faith into God and mathematics. Since the dawn of thought men and women alike have wrestled to control the universe, control each other and control themselves. For the second day in a row I find I shall now quote from Fight Club and say that sometimes it is most important just to...

Let. Go.

Wishing to be held

[You wouldn't know it by reading this post, but it's actually about how happy and reassured I was by a story I managed to write earlier in the day. Seriously the story is one of my favorites and gave me a lot of confidence about the possibility of a fiction writing career]

I feel that the biggest themes in my life revolve around a few key points, self-confidence, self-love, and self-respect. I would say that self-reliance would be there, but in the end I feel that with the others it becomes a moot point. I also believe it takes more courage to allow other people to help you. In short, I find self-reliance to be rather depressing, though I'm more than open to discussion on the point.

Loving oneself really is a huge part of the key to happiness in life to me. If you are not happy with a part of yourself or hate something about yourself you truly have the power to change whatever it is you wish, and without being satisfied with oneself, one cannot be satisfied with others and will constantly live in doubt and confusion. There is also an acute difference between loving oneself and having a crush on oneself. I find that a lot of people who would claim to love themselves are simply selfish, and self-centered, using and abusing other people on the grounds that it is good for themselves. I refer to this as having a crush on oneself because like crushes it seems largely childish and lacks meaning.

Self-respect is one of those funny things which though I would like to say I have, I often doubt. To me self-respect is something which truly nobody else can ever understand, and those who try to make a claim at the amount you have are ignorant. I have often been told by friends that I need more self-respect, that I've gotta have some self-respect, that I've gotta start respecting myself, all the same sentence just re-hashed for purposes of showing how often I hear it. These things are often said after something particularly dick happens to me and I just shrug my shoulders. In my mind I have plenty of self-respect, and I have respect enough for myself to know how to take that which does not matter and truly let it slide (Fight Club, I find myself quoting from movies quite frequently in life, don't hate me). To me self-respect has a lot to do with having faith in yourself enough to weather minor slights for that which you love. It can be argued that one needs self-respect in order to respect and love others, but until you actually love, and you actually sacrifice, you won't know how much of yourself your own pride you will sacrifice when it comes down to it, and your supposed self-respect is equal to the courage held in shouts of bravery and in truth bravado from those who have never feared.

When I cut everything else away though, I always come back to self-confidence. Self-confidence is the trait which I find most attractive in the people I'm around. Nothing will ever give me the joy or sense of accomplishment as helping someone to be confident in themselves, and nothing ever makes me feel quite so enlightened or fulfilled as discovering a confidence in myself. Without a faith in oneself, a person becomes devoid of convicted action. I spoke of confusion and fear when I talked about a lack of self-love, but truly these traits are exhibited even more when a person lacks in confidence. Without a faith in ourselves it becomes rather hard to love ourselves or respect ourselves.

I will readily admit that I have confidence issues, I seek constant reassurance from my own accomplishments and those around me, and always have done. I don't know if this is a problem, certainly it has caused a number of problems in my life recently. In reality I don't know what is a problem nowadays, I tend to think that all things are just natural and there are no perversions, we each exist rather precisely in the manners which we do and where problems arise there is the opportunity for solution. I'll finish with two quotes from Richard Bach:

"Argue for your limitations and sure enough they're yours"
"Each problem comes to us with a gift in its hands"

We are the chameleons

It is important to realize at any given time that you have the unique opportunity to be whoever it is you wish to be. Right now I am in a Barton classroom preparing a lesson outline on the whiteboards for a class which does not exist. Due to my mode of dress it can easily be inferred that I am not a teacher. I found this classroom because it has a sign posted on the door saying that the lecture which would normally have occupied it during this time has been moved to another room entirely. 2 students have come in upon seeing me, I simply informed them that yes their classroom had been changed and this was currently the classroom for Psychology 243. Two hundred and Forty Three seemed a good course number to pick, since it seems like one which most likely does not exist and is therefore rather unlikely that any students would possibly be taking it to call me out.
I don't really think any of that is a necessary thought process since when it comes down to it my attitude and confidence alone are enough to disuade questions. This brings me to my point, we do all enjoy the luxury of being who we wish. You can create your reality as you choose by simply believing it and stepping forwards, a casual confidence is necessary throughout life in order to fit in as you wish, beyond that it is simply a case of choosing your role. My example is an extreme one, obviously I am not a college professor, but playing the part of one for this small time is certainly entertaining me, and the metaphoric and symbollic nature of what I am doing is demonstrative of the more subtle overarching ideal. This life is as much a work of theater as anything else, appearances are in fact what matters to the world, and events which are meaningless in any kind of grand view of things are still scenes within the play and they can enrich or depress us all.
Be what you wish, do as you desire, never let anybody tell you that you are not good enough or have no way, for in admitting defeat and in acknowledging the doubts of others we find ourselves being defeated. Never surrender and always be willing to change your role. We are each the chameleons of this society, and to change our skin is to change our existence within it.

Misunderstanding

Two or Three years ago I read a statement which said "I do what I want" and commited the simple line to memory. Since then at different points month to month I have considered those words. I've written a lot of scribbled notes of intention and free will, and whenever I've been at a complete loss for how to act, I've always turned to "I do what I want" as an overarching guide. The truth is everyone does what they want all the time, sometimes we may justify, or tell ourselves we are doing something for another, but in the end that is still what we want to do.
Those who know me and those who know me well are aware that I will often go out of my way for my friends. It's not any kind of goodness that drives me to do so, it's just what I want to do. I have frequently found myself looking out for the interests of others, particularly when it comes to relationships and persons of the female persuasion in general. Some months ago I was asked by a friend when I was going to start looking out for myself in life, and the truth is I already do and always have. I find it far easier to live with myself when I am facilitating the needs of those I love than when I am being selfish. In that way, being there for others has in itself become selfish.
Another important fact of doing what one wants is that the things we all desire are constantly changing, temporary whims and longterm desires are often in opposition and it can create a problematic decision. In general I tend to follow my temporary whims to keep myself happy, it's hollow but I can usually trust that I will always obtain my longterm desires anyway. This kind of confidence can often undermine the cause of longterm desires, but this confidence is neccessary in order to justify the indulgence of whims, and when it all comes out, so many of our decisions in life are an internal justification.
It has always been my opinion that not only America, but the entire earth is the land of opportunity, by definition life appears to be grounded in the abilities of discernment and choice. It has always been my firm belief that all dreams are attainable and everything we wish to do in this world is absolutely possible. This was found stated best to me in Richard Bach's Illusions; “You are never given a dream without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.” This quote is absolutely beautiful to me and speaks so clearly of our power as human beings. The message in this kind of quote is the reason willpower has always been the quality I have respected most in people. And I do not mean willpower as in the ability to resist temptation, but as in the kind of moxy and guts required to pursue that which you desire. Too often in this world the first steps are the ones that are never taken and even if they are, the subsequent ones are half hearted because of the strain.
I forget the exact wording but I usd to say something about mountains being worth climbing, and this is the example I use for willpower within the world and for struggle in general. Every mountain will be worth climbing, no matter the pain, and when you reach the summit the pains suffered and the time spent become their own reward. They say that nothing worthwhile in this world is easy, and I find this to be self-defining, for as soon as something is simplistic it also becomes unrewarding. In my real life experience I have found this to be absolutely true and the best example I find is in one of my friendships. There is a girl named Scarlet who I've known for a while now, I value my relationship with her more than anything in the world, more than my other friendships by far. The reason for this isn't the length of time that we've known each other, certainly not, since it really hasn't been all that long. The reason for it's value to me isn't how much we have in common, though I find that what we do have in common is substantial. Many people can point to their most valuable friendships as being with the people who know us best, and although this is very true of our friendship, at the same time I know for a fact that this is not why it is so important and powerful to me. The truth of the matter is that in the short time we have known each other I think we have come very close to hating one another, killing one another, or just screaming at the top of our lungs and never speaking again. But through every trial the friendship has persisted, and that has not only proven it's strength, it has created it.
None of your most important dreams will ever be easy, and you will never find them anywhere but inside yourself. There will always be other people around to help or hinder you, and there will always be forces on the outside that appear to hurt you or to bring you down, but none of this matters, none of it ever will. The decision to keep going will be yours alone and in the end it is the only decision that matters. There is not a single person in this world, with the exception of the person who kills you if that is to be your fate, who can stop you from doing what you want.
I do what I want, I always will, and I will always succeed. The only question I end up asking myself, and the question which we must each ask ourselves is why. Why do we wish to do the things we wish to do. Demystifying our motivations is one of the most important factors in self-awareness. Personally I have always looked to fear as my biggest motivator, it sounds grim, but it is true. My meeker actions in life are often out of fear of losing something; apology comes when I fear I've overstepped my bounds in being an asshole; compliance comes when I fear the loss of a friend and am more willing to suffer character blows than miss a person's company; surrender and doubt come when I fear a loss within myself as a result of continued action. Likewise the majority of my bolder actions are similarly motivated by a fear, a need to step forward and protect something before it is lost, a need to conceal the very fear which motivates me and attempt to dispell it by pure bravado. We each fear a great many things. I think it's a good place to start in understanding oneself.
I was asked very recently what it is that I fear, I replied that I am afraid of nothing. Sometimes I think this is true, and when I do think this, it is. We can each overcome our fears, we can each rationalize actions based upon them and in avoidance of them. Once again if we can discover our motivations we can take the reins from our subconscious and realize that all the power in the world is within us.

Much of what I have written here is old news, it is what I have known for years, but much of it is what I have realized in the past couple of hours. Often when I have time to think I will mete out such conclusions and decide to make a change in myself. Today I have decided to become unstoppable. It sounds ludicrous, but I find that at this time in my life there are a great many things around me and a great potential for me to lose a great many opportunities if I should allow myself to be stopped, as a result my only responsive action is to refuse to be halted by any means. I will do what I want, and no mortal force will be able to stop me. Don't let them stop you either.

Evolution

I missed a subway train today, that is to say, I could have gotten on it but chose not to. The doors had already closed and the train was pulling away, much as it has done so many other times. As with those numerous other incidents I could have run and leapt onto the small platform in between the cars but in the last second I hesitated. My feet did not leave the ground and I just watched the train go down the tunnel. I then had 8 minutes to sit and think. I didn't miss the train so that I could get this time, but it was there just the same. I began to think of how I've changed in recent months and who I have become. 4 months ago I would most certainly have jumped onto that train, 4 months ago I was still fully aware of the possibility of falling between the cars and being crushed, but 4 months ago I really didn't care. 4 months ago my roommates would have told you that I operated outside a number of laws of physics, probability and certainly society. These roommates have come to scornfully refer to the new me as Sam 2.0, in the following entry I will attempt to pass on the information I personally posess on this change. This'll probably take a few hours, so I'll be updating as the night goes on.

Since Sam 2.0 is the newest incarnation, the prior existence is known as Sam 1.0. This is somewhat of a misleading title, since Sam 1.0 was not the original but regrettably I have had a lot of memory loss problems throughout my life and at this stage I remember only very small patches of inconclusive events pre-1.0. 1.0 was born on September 8th, 2005, technically 1.0 is still alive and my roommate exclaim with joy when they see signs. Nobody really knows when 2.0 was born, the manifestations were slow and subtle at first. Sam 1.0 was not thought of as a roommate, but as a welcome infestation, much like the koala infestation of Mitch Hedberg. The quote used to describe me was taken from a play and read "There is no law, human or divine, that this man has not ignored." I'd be lying if I said I didn't really like that.
Sam 1.0 was selfish and crude, Sam 1.0 behaved in a number of ways that were largely incomprehensible to those around him, Sam 1.0 was apparently a lot of fun for a lot of people to be around. The truth of the matter though is that Sam 1.0 was never real, I find in most of my recollections that Sam 1.0 was never a person, but rather an ironic parody of one, it is for this reason that I feel that it is long since time that Sam 1.0 fade into an obscurity of vague referrences and myth. As such I have decided to compile an ongoing list of the various things which made Sam 1.0 who he was.

(I just want to interject that speaking about myself in 3rd person is not a general habit, and it's actually rather difficult.)

Sam 1.0
--Sam 1.0 never closed bathroom doors. When sam 1.0 took a shit, went to piss, showered, the door was always open. The reasoning given for this, Sam 1.0 had nothing to hide from his friends and was also so cripplingly short on time on this earth that he felt he should multitask to a level that he refused to interrupt conversation for something as silly as biology or cleanliness. On that note it's rumored that Sam 1.0 once managed to hold a conversation while simultaneously shitting, brushing his teeth and reading The Merchant of Venice. I can neither confirm nor deny this.
--Sam 1.0 could take any 12 ingredients from a kitchen, place them in a single container and consume them without flinching. He referred to this practice as 'cooking' but most agree that the act was some sort of hybrid between chemistry and ballistics research.
--Sam 1.0 hated women. I'm not sure how true this really was, but Sam 1.0's vernacular was composed of a wide array of sexist terminology and phraseology. For whatever reason my roommates seem to have loved this most about Sam 1.0.
--Sam 1.0 failed the easiest Math class offered at Temple University, this is an important fact to point out since I got a 760/800 on my SAT math section.
--On other academic fronts Sam 1.0's standard practice for essay writing was to sit with a bottle of Vladimir Vodka and compose his writing between the hours of 5 and 7 am.
--Sam 1.0's musical taste was non-existent. There was quite literally no type of music that Sam 1.0 would not listen to and he preferred to hear music that he disliked.
--Sam 1.0 seemed to have a crush on himself, and it can be readily agreed that he was severely lacking in maturity

After Sam 1.0 there was a three month period which I refer to as the Resurrection of Trev. I'm not sure exactly how I want to continue this post, so it will likely be left like this for a while, I'll be sure to let everyone know if I do update it.

His anger exploded like never before!

First class of the semester is over, I'm feeling pretty good about the whole thing. I'm definitely in a much better place than before, I feel more equipped to deal with things as they come and I'm ready to focus on my studies and get this degree out of the way. I had almost forgotten what it's like to wait for the elevators at Anderson, what a glorious 10 minutes of nostalgia that was.
My personal favorite feature of those elevators is the person who waits for 5 or 10 minutes in the crowd just to go to the 2nd or 3rd floor. I list them as a feature since they don't appear to be human, since if they were human that would be suggesting that they are in college, and if they are a human being smart enough to be in college I would think that they might posess the intelligence to see how moronic it is to wait with a mass of people and then cramp yourself onto a smelly elevator just to avoid a 20 second walk up some stairs. Perhaps I'm mistaken.
I had class this morning with one of my roommates, Andy and I are taking American Realism and Naturalism, which is brewing up to be as exciting as it sounds. I've never pretended that the classes in my major are exciting. While sitting in class this morning I saw one of the Great Antagonists in the hallway going to one of his classes. The Great Antagonists are all the people who I have accidentally or purposefully fallen into opposition with during my college years. There are several of them and they all seem to appear in close proximity to me with alarming frequency. One of the Great Antagonists from last year ended up commuting this year because due to his falling out with my friends and I he elected not to live in the city any longer. I heard a report today that the reason he listed for his commuting was that if he lived at home for a semester and worked full time he would be able to 'finally afford a car' which is interesting to me since he owned a car last year and chose to sell it because he didn't need one. I am perpetually fascinated by the lies people create.
Anyway, I must be off, much to do and the sun fades fast in these winter days. In parting I'd just like to posit that it may be possible to relieve Blue Balls by sneezing, this hypothesis is based upon both theory and empirical evidence, however I myself am unwilling to continue this research further. I will provide starting notes for anyone who wants to pursue this painful but gentlemanly research, just drop me an email.

Welcome to the future

So I just came here from facebook where I took a look at a recently formed group entitled something along the lines of: "Join this group and petition so thet mountain dew Baja Blast is mass produced" which made me think a great many things. Firstly I think that this might be the best symbol of exactly what recent technological advances have given us.
When I get home I find myself going through a very definite routine. Check IM's, check email, check facebook. All over the place I now visit websites to find out if anything interesting has happened in my few hours absense from the screen. Not that there's anything wrong with any of these things, it's now ridiculously easy to leave shallow communications for whoever you want, to create groups and drive people to a purpose from behind your keyboard, or to fight for your cause in an internet forum.
My one lament in the midst of this technology has to be the death of the letter as an art form. The form of a letter, the effort involved and the fact that it takes such time to arrive makes it so that whatever is written within has to be something a fraction more lasting than an email instantly delivered or an IM conversation. Every now and again I attempt to ressurect letter writing, it's difficult though, much harder than just typing, you have to think about what you say when you hand write something because it's a lot harder to go back and change your spelling errors. The last letter I wrote was over a year ago, I wrote it to someone very important to me, and I sent them flowers. They didn't speak to me for over a week. Somehow letters have become the artform of stalkers I fear, and stationery caught up with a stigma of creepiness. Ah well, maybe I'll write another letter sometime soon with better results.
Cellphones and Instant Messenger are definitely the two most popular forms of communication now. I enjoy instant messenger a lot, cellphones less so, perhaps because mine sucks something awful. Cellphone conversations are alright I suppose, but whenever I'm having an actual conversation I can't help but keep wishing the person were there with me so we could just be hanging out having the conversation. Instant messenger is handy because you can talk to so many people at once, but by the same token instand messenger and other forms of online communication are rather inappropriate for certain forms of communication.
Arguments, internet arguments, oh God on high how have you delivered us to such times. Internet arguments are about as pointless as regular arguments, the only difference being that regular arguments are generally settled by who has the bigger ego and snuffs the weaker person, meanwhile on the internet there are very few ways for would-be tough-guys to swing their metaphoric dicks around effectively and as such the arguments just go on endlessly. You'll see this in a variety of places, and all the arguments are fruitless since each party is completely convinced of their side and will not listen to evidence to the contrary.
This is the problem I've always had with arguments in general, arguments are something which should generally be reserved for a personal level, like spouses in a disagreement. When people start shouting back and forth at each other about communism vs. capitalism or pro-life vs. pro-choice you just end up with an ugly shitstorm. What generally needs to happen is for each side to stop taking things so personally, to sit down and maybe discuss and try to understand one another better, rather than what tends to happen, which is that neither side actually seems to care about a given issue, they are more focused upon being the one who is right. The minute you start trying to be the one who is right rather than attempting to divine what right is you are in a fruitless argument.
Anyway, I dislike arguments in general, but I find the ones on the internet more tedious since they are more often waged between nerdy social rejects without the confidence to carry on their tirades in an actual forum, as opposed to real life arguments which are far more entertaining battles of ego and wits between two individuals who are both socially adept, posessed of a strong will and who have each read the Asshole Handbook from cover-to-cover. The real life ones are largely as pointless, but at least you get to see who the superior arguer is and get some mental ass-kicking entertainment out of it.
The second largely innapropriate set of dialogue to pursue online falls into a vein which I will refer to as Bleeding Heart Bullshit. This is a slightly inaccurate title, but it's catchy so I'm keeping it. What I'm talking about is dealing with romance online, I'd like to list a few big NO'S in my book and give brief reasons as to why:
1) Asking someone out online. To be honest I've always thought the idea of "asking someone out" is absolutely ridiculous. You ask someone to go somewhere with you, don't ask for the "going out" status. Status is a sham and it's bad enough to cling to such notions. But if you're going to ask someone to be your boyfriend/ girlfriend I think it's really best to do it in person. I mean, really the only excuse to do it online is if you just don't get the chance to see them for an extended period of time, and if that's the case then....should you really be 'going out'?
2) Dumping someone online. Alright, this one can be broken when you really don't want to see someone ever again.....but at the same time, do yourself a favor and tell them in person because the person you're dumping probably falls into one of two categories a) they are alright and deserve the respect of being told honestly in person why you're breaking up with them or b) they are a disgusting human being and seeing the look on their face as you remove all romantic prospects between the two of you will make you feel better about the time you've wasted with them, and perhaps it will teach them to shape up and be a more decent human being themselves in the future.
3) Arguing Online about relationship related things. Please please please take this to heart. I cannot possibly hope to stress this enough. IF you argue with a significant other online your words WILL be misconstrewn, just deal with it in person.
Long story short, dealing with romance online is a bad idea, forms of online communication remove candor and emotion and leave entirely too much room for rampant misinterpretation and manipulation. Anyway, this feels unfinished but I'm gonna go ahead and end it here anyway, have a good night everyone.

Overrun by bandits

The past couple of months have been challenging. To say that I've been short of money is akin to saying that Stephen Hawking has a modicum of difficulty going one on one with Shaq these days. I've held a job for over 3 months without being paid due to my lack of identification, my final check from my last job got lost in the mail, and to top it off I've had difficulty recovering funds lost due to a stolen checkbook. I've had other problems, but these are the ones which I feel stand out most to the public. My other major public problem came in the fact that I wasn't signed up for classes and had been mistakenly removed from the records system at Temple. Wubbos.
In the past week I have gotten the majority of this sorted out, 2 weeks from now I should receive a nice sized paycheck from Barnes and Noble, in another 2 weeks I should receive the final check from my other job, and I signed up for classes 3 days ago. I've had some time to think lately while doing various tasks at Barnes and Noble, I'm very much in love with the notion of repetitive manual labor as meditation by the way. The past few months have definitely been much more interesting without any money, I've also found that when I don't have any money most of my other problems dissappear. Girl problems have been at an all time low, I've been applying myself with my writing a lot more, although to be honest that has really waned lately. I'm actually looking for someone to help me out in that sense, just to read the stuff I write, criticize and prod me to continue. I suppose what I'm really looking for is a friend who can act as my editor, only I wouldn't pay them.
But back to my original point, most of my other problems have dissappeared while I've had no money, and it got me thinking about the roots of our problems. When it comes down to it almost every problem I've ever had can be found rooted inside myself. Overthinking, overanalyzing, overreacting, all of these things stem from a boredom, from an idle mind and too much time on one's hands. Whenever there's a single defined problem or task to accomplish, other problems fade to the background and sort themselves out, or even cease to exist. With this in mind I'm wondering if perhaps I would be better off continuing with my financial problems rather than trading them in for social ones. I've always been comfortable with financial difficulty, to be honest I really don't even believe in it, I'm confident that finances will not be the death of me and I've always posessed the bravado and ingenuity to obtain the things I desire without having any money. In contrast social problems are my crippling downfall. I spent the better part of last semester in a bottle after getting dicked around by a girl (This terminology is actually completely false, as stated before practically all problems are self-inflicted, but it sounds better to say that you are drinking your way to oblivion for love or romance or some crap than just saying 'I was drinking because I was a fuckup'), in the end it caused me to lose my scholarship and not take classes this semester passed. Remembering back to those days I can't help but think that not being able to go to the movies weekly isn't so bad.
So.....In light of this I have come up with a solution, as soon as I get paid I'm going to do several things first, purchase an xbox 360. Second, buy gifts for some people I really care about, third , take a bum out to dinner, Fourth, buy a dozen cases of beer, fifth, I dunno.....but pretty much the point is I need to get rid of this money and fast. This post is pretty poorly structured, but oh well. Tomorrow I will being with a new segment of this blog, a segment entitled "Teatime with Trev" which I think it appropriate since that's the name of the overall blog it's contained within. Stay tuned.

I love you so much

So I'm on my break from work and feel I should share this anecdote. I'm often asked questions by girls along the lines of "what's it like to date you Sam?" sometimes this is asked with a look of interest, and sometimes it is asked with a facial expression of incredulity and fear. This story is for those belonging to the second group.
I'm completely in love with a girl, and I haven't seen her in over two weeks except for a short time on new year's. She's been sick and stuck at home and it's really sucked, she sent me a text message one night saying that she couldn't get to sleep because she was thinking about me, which was really awesome because I was experiencing the same thing. Long story short I really care about this girl, and tonight she's coming back to the city and we're hanging out.
Now I'm on my lunchbreak for work and arrived home to decide what I would eat. What I have chosen to consume is a 2lb can of Country Style Baked Beans and two open-faced grilled cheese sandwiches. I feel it's time to put this love to the Ultimate Flatulence Test. If she's still around after tonight I'll know it's true love for certain.

Some come on now ladies, who wants to date the Trev?

Pimp My Vaccuum

So I totally forgot to actually write about what I wanted to regarding QVC in my rush to get to work this morning. Last night my roommate and I sat down to watch some QVC, as is our custom on rare occassions, QVC can really be pretty hilarious in the wee hours of the morning. Tonight though we tuned in just in time for a showcase of some new bra, I forget what it was called. Anyway, we watched in silence for about 10 minutes, during which time they were explaining how these bras worked. The whole time I was sitting and just marvelling at the level of technological development that has gone into the female undergarment industry, I mean seriously some of the stuff they were explaining sounded so ingenious that it must have come from some MIT engineering grad.
My roommate watched in a similar silence and told me what he had been thinking about later. Apparently he had a rather different reaction to my astonishment at the technological end of the show. My roommate told me how amazed he was that women wear underwear. He stared me right in the eye and said something very similar to "It's like they do people things....you know, like regular people do." Aparently in the 10 minutes of watching this QVC showcase my roommate had stumbled upon the fact that women are actual functioning human beings, as opposed to just being antagonists, extras, background npcs, supporting cast, red shirts, whatever terminology you want to use.
It's long been a theory of mine that a lot of the hatred and misunderstanding that exists in the world stems from the fact that people do not recognize one another as being people, as I have said before, we all use labels to simplify people and negate the reality of their existence, maybe we could all take a page out of my roommate's book and take a minute when we judge someone to realize that hey....that person put underwear on this morning too.

Not a real person......A QVC shopper

I'll admit I've purchased something from QVC before, it was a power washer that could aparently clean anything from decks to concrete to children's faces. I think it might actually remove children's faces though so don't go trying that without reading the instructions. Regardless, I bought the power washer for my dad for his birthday, and he stil has never used it. You might think I might be a bit pissed off by this, after all I did buy it for him and the least he could do is use it once. But no, I have no right to be angry, because the reason I bought it for him was selfish and assinine.
Earlier that year on mischief night I pulled pranks on our neighbors, rearranged lawn furniture, moved a for-sale sign, and silly stringed messages onto driveways saying "help, I've trapped in your driveway." Of course as an alibi I had to prank my own house so no-one would suspect (I would like to point out that this was a few years ago, I swear I'm not this kind of person now...). So I sillystringed pretty much my whole house and made a real mess.
Well, all the neighbors cleaned up their yards and houses, meanwhile I was far too lazy to wipe off the walls of my house. As a resul the silly string caked on and became largely irremovable. Finally in February as my Dad's birthday is coming around I see the power washer on QVC and immediately order it so that my dad can clean up my mess from 3 months prior. My mom was actually pretty thrilled, but I think she just liked the idea of having a power washer around. My dad saw right through the bullshit though, he's never touched that power washer and I can't say I blame him. Since then the gifts I get for my dad have improved significantly.